This FAQ may contain triggering content. I will not trigger warn. I eat people. I write about it. And by being here you already know this is an experiment. TW interfere with my data. If you still aren’t sure what to expect, then please leave now.
This page is organized into segments of interest: Facts about me, facts about my species, People food or people food, the experiment, Metaphysics (both the science and the concepts of belief), some things that might interest you, and a list of the running jokes that seem to find their way onto my social media.
Facts about Simon/Simone
- How did you choose your name?
“Simon” was on the list of names available to me when I went looking for a new identity, around the late 70’s early 80’s. I chose this name because it reminded me of someone who one figured out I wasn’t human. His name was Simon Forman, and the story of this encounter is in my first book.
The last name “Alkenmayer”, is currently an alias, though it was used by me in the past.
“Simone” is the female name for me, so as to designate when I am presenting in that fashion. Why do I do this? Why not. I’m not attached to gender.
- How old are you?
I don’t actually know. I can tell you that I woke up on the shores of the Black Sea, in what I believe to be the year 1346. I believe this to be the year, because I awoke to a very curious scene that I discuss here. I do know that I have memories that predate this, though this is a recent discovery, addressed in my book. So let us say that this Simon, the one speaking to you now, has a contiguous memory and continuous consciousness from that year, 1346.
- What’s your gender?
I do not have one. My species are endowed with no obvious or overt sexual characteristics. I do not know if we have biological sex. I have never felt as if either gender particularly suited me, though it has been much easier to move through society as a man. That aside, I have chosen to live as a woman several times, especially when traveling or in times of upheaval, to avoid being drawn into conflicts in which I did not wish to participate.
- Where were you and when?
My timeline is rather imprecise in the early years, But I can give you a general picture. I moved west from the Black Sea with a group of Italians. I went over the Italian Peninsula and took a ship to Marseilles, France, in the year 1348 – the same year the Black Death arrived, possibly on my very ship. I lived in France and fought several times in the Hundred Years War on the side of the French, specifically beneath Jeanne d’ Arc. I moved around France for a while. Then I traveled west again, into Spain, just as the fervor for the Spanish Inquisition was being stoked. I had a very bad experience there and wandered back across France, finally settling in Strasbourg. I was there until the 1530’s, when I wandered north, through what is now Belgium, and then west along the northern coast of France. I was in Normandy during the Protestant Reformation in England, and decided I wanted to go there and see what London was all about. I saw all of Elizabeth’s reign, and stayed in London until 1729, when I moved across the Atlantic to the New World. I lived in Pennsylvania for a time, as the colony was spreading out. I bought up property and let others manage it, keeping the earnings as a “slush fund” while I wandered inland a bit and explored. During the French and Indian war, I was in the areas most hotly contended, and did a good turn for the British. During the Revolution I was in parts of Virginia. At first, I fought a bit in the war, but largely tried to avoid it, to no avail. So I invested myself a bit more fully. Afterward, I sold my property and moved north to the New York area, and inland around the lakes. During the War of 1812, I went feral and lived off the land, yet again. When the government decided to build the Erie Canal, I decided to come out of my seclusion and give a hand. I worked my way toward Ohio and remained there for a time. I took up with the Transcontinental Railroad, though our progress was hampered by the Civil War. By 1869, I was in Utah, and from there traveled to Nevada, specifically Virginia City, where a mining tycoon was putting in a railroad. I worked on that to the completion of the main road, then was recruited to doing odd jobs. I wasn’t fond of this “wild west” lifestyle. In 1875, I worked my way west, to San Francisco, and then to the location where I live now. I have lived here ever since.
- How many languages do you know?
This is a terribly interesting, but complicated question. You see, there really is no definite answer, because of when I learned to understand language. I did not speak in those times, for fear of showing off my teeth, and I learned to understand these languages so very long ago that many of them no longer exist. Things are also complicated by the fact that I did not learn my letters until the reign of Elizabeth, and so only learned to write in English, but even that was the Early Modern English, and not the modern tongue. So please allow me a moment to specify.
I can understand (and possibly speak, though I’ve never practiced fully) Old Georgian, some dialects of old German, Archaic Hungarian, Italian, and Castilian, French, and Catalonian. Don’t ask me to write them, because the fact is, I don’t know how I would, and my attempts would be cobbled together, phonetic English. I learned Latin, but it was already dead when that happened, and so what I learned was Medieval Latin. As said before, I took up English in the mid 1500’s and really never left its reaches, but did manage to converse with a few Native peoples of North America.
And now you are terribly confused, and I sympathize. Let us simplify this. Of the modern languages spoken on Earth, I am fluent (both speaking and reading) in English, Spanish, French, German, and Portuguese. This is by virtue of the fact that I comprehend their ancestors, and they all use the same alphabet. I also know Latin, but again, it doesn’t exactly get used often.
I prefer English. Why? Well, that is simple: it is the thieving continuity of all of these, sitting atop the others as it cannibalizes them and grows fat on their toil. A monster could not ask for a more monstrous tongue.
- Why do you speak/write the way you do?
I have been using this language since before standardized grammar existed. Since before dictionaries existed, in fact. The way I speak has absolutely nothing to do with being “elitist” or “pretentious”. Quite the opposite, in fact, if you look up those two words. “Elitist” implies that I speak to exclude, but I do not. “Pretentious” implies I speak in a way that I did not earn, but I assure you I did. I condescend to no one and judge no one. I ask no one to change their natural ways of speaking on my account.
The way I speak is efficient, using as few words as possible to convey an idea. Not just the main argument, but also to convey who I am as a person, and all the lengthy canon of information that entails. The way I speak presumes that my audience is intelligent enough to keep up with it. If that isn’t the case, then I presume they have the sufficient wherewithal to obtain an education in words. I do not judge people on the way they speak, I do not harass them for their spelling errors, I do not police grammar. I simply speak as I do and presume that those who are reading will not bring their ego into the situation. I see no reason why assuming that you are intelligent is in anyway an insult against your character
If that concept eludes anyone, then they may see this as an invitation to leave the experiment. I’d like to point out that no matter what I do in this situation, I am at a disadvantage. If I speak with modern parlance, I am accused of being unrealistic, and if too archaic, then I am accused of being a fraud because a long-lived monster should adapt. So please do excuse me while I simply converse precisely as I feel necessary and tell anyone judging my vernacular to piss off.
- Do you have an accent?
Yes, though confound me, I have no idea what it is. Americans assume European. Europeans assume American, by way of Europe. Different countries always have different ideas of where I might have originated. There’s no definite opinion on the subject. It feels rather like that conversation one has whenever someone asks what breed your dog is, and then wonders aloud at all the possibilities.
- What does your voice sound like?
I have two “voices”. One is the natural tone, which is gravelly and harsh on the human ear. In extremes, like shouting or singing, it tends to split and sound like a chorus. The other voice is a falsetto I put on for human comfort. It is very soft, sometimes causing those with hearing problems a bit of trouble. It is in the lower range for a female tone, and the upper range for a male. I also have a bit of a lisp, due to the strictures of dealing with my musculature, tongue, and teeth.
- What do you look like?/Your biology?
My species is of average size, though you must remember, that the average has risen. In ancient times, we were considered somewhat tall, though now, my modest 5’8” seems on the shorter side. There is variety, and I have seen much taller cousins. We are thin and wiry, with hard, lean muscle and little body fat. Our skin is usually rather pale (though there is variety), and sometimes grayish in hue, in certain light, seeming even to cast a faint glow. Our hands are ever so slightly odd — with long fingers snubbed at the ends into a wider-than-human tip, capped off with claws that retract if desired. The nail beds are not a healthy human pink, but plum-colored with dark edges. Our feet are equally bizarre, lower arches, more flexible toes, hooked with thick talons that make the climbing of trees a simple thing and the wearing of shoes a most distressing event involving a once-monthly session with a sanding tool. We have no hair, not a single follicle as we are not mammals — no eye lashes or brows, or anything of the kind; however, atop our head is a glossy mass of filaments with a life of their own, the color varying from the same as the flesh, to that of a dark bruise (as is mine). My best guess, for I have never elected to dissever one and examine it, is that these filaments are some sort of sensory organ. They move in reply to stimulus, and perhaps in some way, they are to blame for many of my seemingly supernatural talents. I have eyes slightly larger than a human face ought to, dark in color, and capable of seeing in the dark, dilating to very disturbing blackness. My nose is pronounced and very very keen. My mouth is capable of unhinging in truly sickening ways. The teeth being like a shark in the front, but canine in the back, and very much of the same number as a human, though mine seem to regenerate. My tongue is long and often gets in the way of proper speech. I have thin lips and odd facial musculature that I have to control to seem human. Our ears are a bit larger and in some can appear to be a bit pointed, though mine do not have that degree of pointed character. I have no belly button, breasts, nipples, or finger prints, as again, we are not mammals.
I believe my species to be more closely related to sea creatures than primates.
If you like, you may go to my Tumblr account and search for the hash tag “fan art” to see the impressions people have of me. I use only fan-made art as my icons on all social media accounts.
- How do you blend in with humans?
I tend to dress in dark colors or jewel tones and cover as much flesh as possible. In the old days, this was a bit easier, as off and on, showing flesh has been largely forbidden, hats and gloves more common than today. I wear cosmetics, dental veneers, false eyelashes and brows, and even change how I walk to blend into human society. I change my voice. I paint my nails, most often black, but sometimes the “French manicure” style that appears to look healthy. When dressed as a woman, I wear silicone body modifications.
- How do you obtain your identities?
The process has varied over the years. I could change my name and bring myself into being with relative ease, especially if I didn’t need to travel. In the last 70 years, however, the process has become overwhelmingly complex. I now have to pay hackers and bribe officials to get things done. I have no fingerprints and so must put up with wearing false ones.
This current identity was a child, and so I had to wait the proper time to use the identity. So you see, while killing off my previous life and assuring her assets were stored in a specific way, i.e. certain companies, trusts, and so forth, I had to establish the new identity as a child first. It had to have a child’s life insurance policy and so forth. For safety, I found ways to insert records and documentation into the school districts. How? I have ways. Once the identity entered high school, computers were in use. I had someone handle that bit for me. Upon graduation, or just before, I could establish his credit history.
All this happened as I was “killing” my previous identity. It is fairly easy to die. All you need is a death certificate filed with the coroner, and I have ways of getting that accomplished as well. When she disappeared, her assets were transferred to the new identity over a brief period.
Voila, Simon is born.
- What is your life like?
I live in a warehouse full of antiques which I collect, refurbish and resell. I spend my days doing whatever I wish. I invest and grow my wealth. I own and maintain a shipping enterprise of modest standing. I invest in companies doing medical and data science. I manage Chef’s many endeavors. I tend to the Spawn and my friends. I manage the experiment and write my journal.
- What fashions have you loved/hated?
I liked the male fashion, 1640’s, all fashion 1860’s – 1890’s, the 1920’s – early 1950’s.
I never want to see pointed shoes, shoulder pads, Bell bottoms, cod pieces. Ruffs , hoop skirts. Farthingales or bustles. I like the look of the bustle, but they are tedious to wear and damn obnoxious in all other respects. I wish men would wear high heels again. It makes the calves look so tasty.
- Do you travel?
No. We are territorial in nature. I know that I could travel and have. This has gotten easier, but I tend not to. I feel somewhat “naked” without being in my territory. In limbo, the land feels…how to put it? It feels as if it is not mine and I do not belong until I claim it, something I cannot do if there is another occupant.
- Would you ever want to be human?
Hellfire, no. There are many thing s you can do and see and experience that I cannot and do not, but I remain convinced that my condition is preferable and do not feel as if I’ve lost anything meaningful.
- Would you ever go into space?
I find the prospect of space travel very intriguing and truthfully the only thing worth doing, but could I attempt it? I honestly cannot say. When I imagine trying to, I am filled with a deep and abiding fear. I do not think I could, because the emotional strain alone would be disastrous.
- What is your favorite color?
I normally avoid listing absolutes, but feel comfortable, that this color has for so long been a pleasurable thing to me that I can indeed call it a favorite: Deep cool green, Not quite blue, not yet black. Like the light in an ancient forest.
- What is your favorite song/food/movie/book/animal?
As I said in the last question, I do not usually choose favorites. I change often and nothing lasts forever. Everything I have fixated on for a period of time has ended up boring me, and so I do not list favorites. I will tell you the things I like, but never list one above another.
- Do you like music?
I love it. My species loves it. It is the first thing that I remember finding alluring about your species. It helps me focus. It calms me utterly. I almost always have music playing, and have an ear so fine, that I can immediately identify the recording, if I have heard it before. I like all types of music, in all styles and languages, instruments and so forth. I take music recommendations, and often post about songs I enjoy on Tumblr, beneath the hashtag “Simon’s Personal Soundtrack”. I am also on YouTube and have a growing playlist I’ve made by the same title. It contains music that readers send me, new songs I hear that I enjoy, and old favorites that continue to captivate my attention.
- Do you like movies/television?
Yes! I have been an avid supporter of all the newest technological advances. I invest in it as soon as possible and tinker around, most often with terrible results, for reasons I will explain later. I am very well-versed in most television, even in other nations, and am an aid “movie-junkie”, going to the cinema many times per week.
- Do you play video games?
Alas, no. I have played several, and through that process learned that if I try to play a game and become invested emotionally in the plot or gameplay itself, I will destroy the gaming console. And so I have recruited a person who plays the games for me, tells me about them so that I am not an ignorant heathen, and then allows me to watch him play from a safe distance.
- Do you like reading?
Something else I also love. I am always reading. I have, usually, about three books going at any one time, and an extensive kindle library, though I cannot use a kindle. I can only use my phone or computer. It has taken me a while to learn this.
I typically only read non-fiction. But when I deviate from that, I enjoy a healthy preoccupation with all science fiction literature. I have an exhaustive library of classic science fiction texts. Why this genre? Well, I see them as being uniquely tied into science, and commentating on human culture through fiction. One can use an alien race to discuss racism, for example, in a way that makes all parties comfortable. I find it also either predicts real science, or causes it to come to pass, which I find fascinating. Other genres of fiction in which I am verse include detective stories, which I took up reading in the 1870’s to see if I could learn to stay ahead of the police, and anything to do with monsters, for reasons which may seem obvious at this point.
- Have you ever been seriously hurt?/Can you be poisoned or get sick?
I cannot get ill so far as I know. I’ve never caught a disease. I’ve been injured many times and in many ways. Pick an injury, I have had it. Few have presented much trouble in healing.
Recently I began experiencing some odd health events involving chronic pain and strange healing. I believe that, triggered by my last massive injury–being hit by a car–the stress put my body into a spiral similar to an autoimmune episode. My neurochemistru, such as it is, went out of whack, and I was experiencing full body agony and bone growth. These are now controlled, through a combination of medications and specific nutrition. Hopefully it will right itself, and I’m not actually a monster on their last proverbial leg.
- Do any people around you know what you are?
Yes. This is the main topic of the first volume of my diary, The Creature’s Cookbook. They are my control group, so to speak. They are a tight knit circle of friends who spend a great deal of time with me. Prior to this, I may have made the odd acquaintance here or there, but I never did become close enough to anyone to truly reveal myself. Things have gotten easier with time, as your fictions have become more entertaining, and my condition excused more and more. I have gone from the obviously deformed spawn of the Devil, to that bloke with the very strange teeth he must have filed down to look like Dracula, or some such.
- Have you ever been in love?
Yes, I suppose, though I do not think on that phrase as you do. To me, when you say it, you mean “forever”, but really “forever” in human is only about 60 years. When I love something or someone, It is a horrifying concept, because I know I will outlive it, that it will disappear. I know that I will be tortured with that memory for a very long time. It is also nearly impossible for one to call what I feel love, because it is not “peerage”. I am old. I have seen things modern humans forgot existed. It is very difficult to me to consider humans as experiential equals, though I may consider them equals in the sense that they are just as capable of me at reasoning and feeling and so forth. For example, you likely respect that a child is a person endowed with sentience, but could you be in love with one? For most the very idea is appalling. It strikes a cord of disgust, and rightly so. That is genetics saying “Now hold on a minute. That isn’t acceptable for the species.” in addition to your own ability to see that younger things have vastly different outlooks and needs. For me to say I love a human…even an older human, is still very difficult for me, because when I say it, it means something entirely different, and you people manage to confuse the two.
So yes, I have loved. I do love. But to me it is one part caretaker, one part witness, one part eulogizer, one part adoring and bemused spectator.
- Who is Chef?
Chef is what I call the human man who has seen fit to designate himself my “boyfriend”. I call him the “Permanent House Guest” often. He is very talented, but also very crass and carousing. He likes to eat, drink, and be merry. That being said, he is exceedingly intelligent in a sly sort of way. He sees me very clearly and for some inexplicable reason, is not put off by anything he sees. I find him fascinating and charming and also sometimes vulgar and rude, but these negative qualities in no way deter me from enjoying the positive ones. I worked for him briefly, but now am an investor in his establishments.
I could discuss him in a more personal way, that is, touch upon what he means to me and my emotions, but that is something better captured in my journal entries, written as our relationship began. These entries are contained within my first book. As is information on the precise …eh…dynamics? of our arrangement.
- Who is Rebecca?
My first human friend. You encounter her first in the book. She is, I suppose the first person to enter the control group and advise on the experiment.
- Who are the Spawn?
The Spawn, known as Spawn the Elder or Spawn 1 and Spawn the younger or Spawn 2, are the human children of my friend, whom I tend and guard on a semi-routine basis. I discuss my interactions with them on Tumblr, beneath the hashtags “Simon and the Spawn” and “The Adventures of Monster and Spawn” They are, at this point, very young, one just having entered school, the other in preschool programs.
- Who is Fred?
My idiot feral cousin to the North.
- Do you like animals/Own any pets?
I own a dog named Good Dog, or Goody for short. He is a pitbull mix, gray in coloring. He is a rescue from a very bad home. The story of this is in my first book.
I also allow a murder of crows to roost on my roof.
I recently branched out. I decided to try small mammals. I obtained a hamster and two gentlemen rats, known as “deez nuts” on account of their names being Peanut and Nutella.
I also recently inherited a second dog, when an elderly friend of mine died of Covid. He is called BoBo.
These are the only animals I have ever kept.
- Do you have a moral/ethical code?
Not written in stone. Most things are not worth the negative energy. I make it a policy to “practice kindness” and to try and enlighten or educate those who wrong me. Humans are stubborn, however, and I sometimes lack patience. I will not harm anyone unless I need to, either to stop them or to end them.
This entry on Tumblr may add to this point.
- What do you mean when you say you “practice kindness”?
I am not nice. I practice kindness like a discipline, with intent and an acknowledgement that it is a self-imposed rule and standard to which only I am responsible for holding myself. It takes effort and judgement.
These entries may help you understand me better.
A blog post about what it means to be kind
A question about my demonstration of patience
- Why do you care about humans?
You’re alive. You have sentience. Why shouldn’t I care about you? Why do you care about children, or dogs, or chickens, or whales? Because you do. Why should I not?
I think this question goes to the original argument that most “monsters” of human invention are simply grotesqueries of your own psyche. You have to assume what a monster might be thinking, but all that is based on your own mind and your own thought patterns which are human. You are annoyed by your species and see their folly and think “God who would ever want to deal with that for centuries”, but there’s a flaw in there. To you the folly of humanity is painful because you are human and are busy slapping yourself in the face in fremdschamen. I, on the other hand, have watched you evolve at startling speed and have enjoyed much of it, your foibles and follies seen large in the context of your limited life spans. Of course humans will forget their history and do it again. They can only get so much education from the previous generation before it dies out, and can only give a little before dying itself. So of course you will do precisely the things you do. This is no mystery to me. It does not offend me. I see ways it can be corrected. That is one reason I discuss history so much.
- Have you ever wanted to die/commit suicide?
Of course I have. You may say, “why of course?” and I will reply that anything alive contemplates the alternative at some point, whether in idle epistemological interest or sorrow. I have obviously either failed or stopped doing this. Both, in fact. The few times I have attempted to die, the Hungry One wakes me up and moves me. Or I heal.
I am not an advocate of suicide. You will cease eventually. All things are temporary, including sorrow. You are here, so why not do all you can while you are. You might as well.
- Why do you call us “gentle readers”?
Well, in the journal, I simply addressed my audience. I didn’t even put thought into it, really. “Gentlemen” is a modern holdover from a previous era in which the word “gentle” was used more frequently. It didn’t necessarily equate to “soothing” or “kind” so much as “esteemed” or “worthy”. You would simply address a group as “gentles sirs and madams” or “my gentle friends”.
You were my readers and so…”gentle readers”
- Can we/How do we become your friend?
Only within the confines of the experiment. I do not “read people out”, which is to say, you cannot opt to meet me in person, at least not while the experiment is running. So if you are willing to stay within the confines of the rules of the experiment, then yes, you may be my friend, insofar as that is a friendship. All you have to do is strike up a conversation. It’s that simple. I do not follow people on social media, unless asked.
Facts about Simon’s species
- What Is your species called?
We do not have a name. Humans have been terrible witnesses and every time someone encounters us, it strikes up a new myth by a slightly different name. We also don’t talk, and you never asked us what we prefer to be called. I call us Monsters, because I like the ancient meaning of that word. I will also accept “Cryptids” or “Cousins”.
- Do you need to hydrate, breathe, or anything else that humans need to do?
Yes, though there appear to be less strictures on us. I can go longer holding my breath. I can also go longer without water. Every time I have tried either experience, I awaken, having found a way out of it. Thank the Hungry One.
- Do you produce waste like urine or feces?
Yes, we do. We are rather like a chicken in that department. or perhaps a fish. One opening for that purpose.
- Do drugs or illicit substances affect you?
Some appear to give me nausea, though only in lethal doses. Alcohol affects me only in so much as it appears to make me clearer headed and less morose. Some medicines have a narcotic like effect. Ones that moderate neurotransmitters seem to work. I have recently discovered a blend of substances that do have a drug-like effect on me, though I retain most functions and most times don’t appear to be high
- Does radiation affect you?
I haven’t experimented with it. But I would assume that given the amount of solar radiation to which I’ve been exposed would have done something at this point if it were possible. I imagine that high levels would likely do the same things to me it does to you. The question is, could any repair mechanisms I possess keep up with the damage? A direct thermonuclear blast would likely destroy me as quickly as any other life form. But I do not know. I’m not anxious to try.
- Can you get heavy metal poisoning?
All our water pipes used to be lead. Dishes were made with pewter which contain lead. cosmetics had mercury. I think if I were capable of having heavy metal poisoning, I’d have experienced it already.
- Are there other vitamins you need?
I do not know. I know that I can survive on only meat, as I have done it many times.
- If soylent green were real, could you live off it?
I reckon it is worth finding out, which is why I invest in vat grown human tissue technology.
- Do you need to sleep?
Yes, I think we do, though less than you. I appear to need to sleep once every few days for a few hours at a time.
- Do you dream/cry?
No. I have done a few times thanks to a specific medication I tried to affect my pain.
- Are there other species of monsters/Have you met other species of monsters?
As I have said repeatedly, there is no other species of monster. There is only us and the monster of human misconceptions. I don’t care if you disbelieve me, because I know my species and what I’ve seen of them. We are very clever and have a love of mischief. There is variety among us, such that we can present slightly different appearances quite naturally. We can change our appearance. We can also toy with your nervous system by virtue of our “abilities” which are not magical powers. They have scientific explanations.
The point is, I do not, nor never shall, acknowledge another species. We know each other at distance, by virtue of our senses, and if I concentrate, I can hear anything that works on a biological substrate. You can argue with me all day long about the notion that my senses might not be able to capture everything, and I will simply tell you that you have no idea what my senses are like, so how the devil could you know that? Answer: a general hope that there is more than I can perceive, for whatever reason. I don’t mean to disappoint you, but I feel no shame in crushing that hope. It has done enough damage to me.
This is an explanation of how your human perspective on this issue is coloring your judgement of my assertion that there are no other monsters, and this makes it even clearer.
And consider this: If I, with my senses which far exceed yours, such as hearing vast distances, seeing in the dark, sensing things like EMF, and a sense of smell far superior to a dog’s…if I cannot see these other species and never have…then how do you imagine you could possibly have seen them to have the stories? You wouldn’t.
You made them up to fill in gaps. I myself have been the source of specific ghost/vampire/wendigo/and ghoul myths, so I know that I am right.
- Does your species have a society?
No. We do not make friends, governments, wars, or conversation, so far as I can tell. That is a general statement that does not seem to apply to some of us (the ones who eat people on a regular basis)
- How do you reproduce?
I don’t know. I haven’t done it. I can fathom no way in which it is accomplished. I do know that in my throat are two large glands which give a curious sensation when palpated, and that this may correspond to my northern cousin, called Fred, trying with all his might to stick his tongue in my mouth. beyond that, I have no idea, as I’ve never had the urge to procreate.
- How many are there of your species?
Not as many as there used to be, it seems to me. Our territories are large, usually bounded in by what we can travel on foot in a day. This is because we patrol, hunt, and need to be johnny-on-the-spot if our nearest neighbor crosses the line. Nowadays with cars and my apparently unique ability to drive, I have a larger territory than ever before. But this is a loose definition. You see, our territory is also established rather like a spider’s web. If standing in the center, the edges are about a half day’s journey for one of us, which is about the limits of our “senses”. So you see, being farther from my borders means my sense of them and what is happening within them is dimmer. That said, I still haven’t had any incursions. I absorbed two vacant territories recently, where I know for a fact there was once a monster. I have no idea where they went or why.
In my lifetime, I have encountered some 30-40 of my species, perhaps? I’ve sensed more, but avoided them.
- Are there any others like you on the internet?
Bloody hell, I hope not. That does make this more difficult, doesn’t it? I seem to be very unique in my habits, and so I doubt very much I would encounter anyone like me. Recall, my species has a disaffinity for electronics, which is to say, I doubt that if any of them are living a “human” life, they are doing it in the modern way. How am I able to do it? I own five of everything, trade between them, have mastered self-control in a way humans seldom ever imagine, and have become exceptionally good at containing or targeting my tendency to interfere with EMF. This appears to be something most of my species do not bother using.
- Is there anyone famous who might be one of you?
Not that I know of.
- How dangerous are you physically?
Very. We have roughly two to three times the strength of a very strong human. We are small and agile. Our joints are not structured like yours, which allows us to be extremely flexible. We have teeth, claws, talons, and exceptional balance. Our senses are also quite a bit more powerful than yours with regard to this environment. I can see in the dark, most of the time, and I can hear things from very very far away. I can track by scent. My most common way of catching a meal is simply to surprise them and break their neck. This is very easy for me to do.
There are limitations to our physical talents. We have very fast metabolisms, it seems. Stamina is not our forte. If asked to do prolonged physical activity, we become sluggish and very irritable. You can outrun us, if you are both fast and can endure. Often we do not bother with difficulty, but grumble at it and let it pass us by. This includes each other.
- Can you be killed?
I don’t know, never having died. I’ve tried a few times. I’ve obviously failed. I find that when close to death or in severe pain, my consciousness recedes, and that other me with whom I share my mind— I call him the Hungry One — comes forth and generally does whatever carnage must to procure me a snack that will help me regain composure and intellect, as well as heal.
- How can I protect myself from you?
I know of no surefire way. The only advice I can give is to not “be a dick”. Do not show fear. Remain calm. If confronted by us, do not run. Be courteous. Sing. It is charming. If you are out hiking in a forest and get a sense, of a sudden, that you are very much not wanted, then you likely ought to leave.
- Is your species the basis for the myth about _____?
I contend that my species is the basis for every bipedal land-based humanoid myth, as well as a few others. I discuss this here on my website in a long running series I call “Monstrous Myths”.
Humans are terrible witnesses, you see, tucking tail as soon as anything worthwhile begins happening. Misconceptions get augmented in the retelling. The tales become embellished over time, especially in a vacuum wherein no further encounters happen. Our habits and ways are expounded into superstition. We become the embodiment of anything humanity needs us to be, from ultimate good, to ultimate evil.
- Do you shape shift?
No. Our bodies are different from yours. Principally the joints. I’m not entirely sure how to describe it other than how I already have, which is to say they can “open” or “collapse” and give us a springy capacity. There’s no change of shape, just a kind of folding and unfolding.
- How does your species affect people?
We have what I call an “aura”. All life has an electromagnetic field. I believe ours is either stronger or contains some other force. Either that, or we can selectively determine how much of this field is shielded by our anatomy and how much is allowed to escape. I don’t really know how to explain it better.
I can make people nervous, give them that sense of being watched. I can muck about with their nervous system in a way that heightens an emotional state. I can withdraw and seem so innocuous as to blend into the background noise, or stand out to the point of drawing attention, though I am still.
Let me be clear — this is not magic. Humans have more than five senses. They simply don’t realize they do. Some of you have recently taken to calling all psychic phenomenon the “sixth sense” and this is more accurate than most, but is actually inaccurate. Your body can perceive the sort of input I create.
However, some of you are more in tune with this other sense. Which is to say, whether by nature or education, some of you have trained your minds to process that sensory input in a way that gives meaning to it. These people aren’t just “getting the creeps”. They are looking around, knowing there is someone there, and perhaps even with a sense of what that individual is thinking or feeling. I call these people Sensitives, and they almost always can pick me out of a crowd. They present a problem, because I have to learn how best to deal with them without frightening them. Children are naturally sensitive, as they have not yet had their brains weighted to certain perceptions or patterns of behavior.
People food or people Food
- Why do you eat people?
I have to. There’s no choice. I don’t know why. I am not sure what the mechanism is, but I presume it has something to do with an enzyme or protein unique to human flesh that is acquired and used by my body. Without human flesh, I am dull, stupid, cannot hold fast to memory. I become ravenously hungry to the point of severe and unchecked violence. It isn’t a craving. It is a necessity. I have experimented greatly with it and find that certain things can change how much I need, but in general, I must eat about 10,000 calories a day, and about 2500 of that must be of human origin. These days, some of that is obtained from my donor, Chef, who is kind enough to share himself, like a moody and drunken cow with amorous intent. Which is to say, there is fluid exchange that seems to tide me over.
- Can you stop eating people?
If I do, I will likely leave a massacre in my wake, so I choose not to, and only to be very specific and controlled in how I go about the process.
- Couldn’t you just steal body parts rather than hurt people?
I used to for preference, believe me, but these days, you make it impossible. Such waste is often catalogued and destroyed in very controlled settings by the hospitals that remove them. I could run a mortuary, but you have strict regulations about how bodies are prepared also. It is much more of a paper trail.
- How much do you eat?
About 10,000 calories a day, at least 2500 of which must be human if I am to retain my mental state. I learned this through dangerous experimentation and trial and error.
- How often do you hunt?
Depending upon the emotional strain or proximity of people I have had to endure, I will hunt about once monthly, sometimes a bit more frequently.
- How do you find your victims?
This is a subject covered very well in my books. I can tell you that I try to eat only the sort of people for whom society will not look. Generally this means criminals specifically, but it doesn’t have to. No, I do not feel good about how this happens, but that it needs to happen is obviously true.
So, I keep a list of people who are the type to vanish. I bait attackers. I get help in this process from some friends in the police department. You find that morally objectionable? Good for you.
- Do you eat children?
No. I like children very much. I have eaten them, but not because I wanted to. I have suffered slips of consciousness due to injury or hunger and awoken with a small corpse in my arms. I do not like thinking about this. It horrifies me greatly. Why, you ask? Isn’t it like veal? No. I don’t think it is. I am accustomed to having a complex speaking relationship with my food, but children are…something “other” to me. I don’t like hurting them, just as most humans would not enjoy stomping on a kitten or puppy, or joke about dissecting baby dolphins.
- What does human taste like?
That depends on the person, their habits, and the portion of anatomy. It can be as delicate as sashimi, or as gamey as horse, which bears a resemblance to elk, if you have never had horse meat, which I suspect not. Depending on the person’s weight, it can be very fatty, or very stringy.
- What kinds of food do you make with human?
Humans are not large like herd animals. This means that all the various cuts are smaller and do not readily correlate to a cow or pig. I sometimes conserve certain portions aside, so that I can combine the parts of several bodies in order to make one dish that calls for a certain amount of something. For example, I like to save fingers and when I have the digits of a few people, I fry them and eat them in mustard. For the most part, though, there is a tremendous amount of fiddly bits that are left over during the “prep work” phase. So my most common dishes are actually sausage and jerky strips. The jerky is utilitarian. It keeps for long periods and can be stored in my car or other places so that if I find myself desperate, I can stave off the hunger for a little while.
- What do you think of cannibalism?
It is a very unwise idea and this is why.
- Have you eaten anyone famous?
Yes. I have also killed a few famous people without ever intending to eat them. No, I will not tell you whom. Not here. That’s a subject best laid out in full, and I use both my website and my short story series Simon’s Snacks for that purpose.
- Do you ever kill people just because you want to?
I try not to anymore, but yes. It’s a complicated topic. I have a rather nuanced ethical code. I kill things that get in my way. I kill things trying to kill others. I often call myself the consequences of bad behavior. and that is not to say I am good. I am simply there, and must be reckoned with. Better to make that reckoning fall on a head that “has it coming”.
- Will you eat a specific person I don’t like?
I am not a garbage disposal. I am a person. These people you don’t like exist because your society is flawed. You fix it and stop looking for someone else to solve your problems. I eat in a way that keeps me safe. I would not jeopardize that for any offhand request from a stranger. I find the implication that I live at someone’s beckon utterly insulting.
- Will you eat me?/Do you take donations?
Again, I am not a tool for your self-harm. If you want to take your own life, I do not recommend it, but your life is yours. I cannot stop you, but you cannot treat such a grave decision (forgive the pun) as if it doesn’t deserve the time or energy of deciding what plans you will have tomorrow. If you mean to end your life, then you do it. By your own hand. With your own will. Do not put that responsibility in the hands of others. Doing so is selfish, and speaks to why you might be having difficulties in this life.
- What’s the worst thing you’ve ever eaten?
I don’t generally think of things in this way. If I dislike something, I usually return to it several times in an effort to better understand it. It is a pet peeve of mine when people refuse to try new foods because of prejudices. I have eaten bloating corpses covered in maggots. Nothing much on this earth compares to that. It isn’t bad, per say. It’s simply not a roasted suckling pig with an apple in its mouth. My sense of smell is very keen and complicated, and so “bad” and “worst” doesn’t mean much to me. “Complex” and “Unusual” are more my cup of tea.
- What’s the first thing you cooked?
I cannot recall. It was a very long time ago, but likely meat on a stick. I can recall many instances of amusingly failed recipes resulting in pieces of me being on fire, but again, those are very long ago.
- What’s the first cooked food you remember eating?
Bread. Handed to me outside a church as part of alms to the poor. They thought me poor, I suppose. I can understand that. I was little better than a shambling corpse in borrowed clothes.
- Is there anything you won’t eat?
I do not eat any creatures whose intelligence I cannot feel comfortable in quantifying. This includes primates, elephants, dolphins, octopuses, finches, corvids, and other species who pass the mirror test for sentience.
- Do you give cooking advice?
Yes. You have but to message.
The Experiment
- What is the experiment?
It’s a descriptive model study, which collects your data via surveys. It does not require a control group, as it is merely a collection of your own opinions. You will be guided toward materials to see in the form of published books and stories, supplemental articles and stories on my website, interactions over social media. You may peruse all of those you wish to, in your own time. You will then be periodically asked questions, given surveys, polls, and other quizzes, principally pertaining to whether or not you believe the monster to be real.
That data is compiled and I do with it what I please. Usually statistical modeling is done. Some observations about the data are made
In exchange for this, I have only my companionship and objectivity to offer. I endeavor to always be a positive influence in your lives, in order to make up for this discrepancy.
Some of the materials may cost money, but I have built in ways of skirting this. The reason for this cost is simply to compensate the people who made the experiment possible, and to offset the cost to me, so that the experiment is self-sustaining.
- What are the rules for participation?
Choose your own type of involvement or interaction — there are books about my modern life, stories about my past, my thoughts on certain sciences, my species and history in general on my websites and social media accounts. You will have access to anything and everything I write or record, comment upon or choose to draw your attention toward. You may ask any questions you wish, and I will answer them as able. From all this data, you will form opinions about me. These are welcome. You may pose them aloud for discussion, or keep them to yourself. From time to time, I will give you surveys, and you are asked to answer them honestly.
There will be no confirmation of any of the facts in anything I write, including contact. If you wish to rifle through my history and try to find traces of me in your past, you may do so. I shan’t stop you.
You may maintain disbelief. That is your right. I am not here to convince you I am real. I know I am real, but I am set on recording your opinion. You may be skeptical, but you cannot be rude. This is a person here, speaking to you. Be polite and respectful, just as I will be to you.
All gentle readers (this is what I call you) are off the menu. Which is not to suggest you would be on it, but to say that you need not worry about me using any of your information or details or conversations as tools to track or trap you.
- Why are you doing it?
I have many reasons. Not all of them are your business. We can say I am simply here to learn. I am bored, I suppose, and this activity gives me a purpose beyond that of the everyday life. I find it tremendously informative in a way no previous era of my life has been. I also enjoy interacting with humans in a “safe” way that will not result in destruction, should things become emotionally complex.
- Why is it organized this way?
Because it is the easiest way to obtain the type of data I want. Think of it as an opinion poll or survey. There are more technical terms but those are fine for now and suffice. This type of structure does not require a control group.
In addition to the surveys you will be asked to fill out, your interactions may provide other data to me. These will be recorded in my database. No names are used. Only handles or URL’s and those will never be public.
- Why not just show proof?
I am not here to prove what I am. I know what I am. I am here to see what humanity does with that, and make certain calculations based on it. I find this is also teaching me many other things about your species, and this is also of value to me. Showing proof changes the dynamics completely and removes the ability to test for certain “belief structures” in the culture.
- How old is the experiment?
This is the third iteration. The first began in 2011 on my website. The second was a short-lived attempt via social media during the publication process of my book. The third began in 2015.
- How long will the experiment continue?
I ended the larger body of the experiment, but I continue to learn
- Why now?
This is the only time it could have happened.
Popular culture and the fiction machine that appears to be overrunning your brains has reached a tipping point. People often come to the experiment and mock me by saying “This reminds me of role playing” or “This is such cringe culture”. They don’t realize they are outlining precisely why I am doing this and the timing of it. It is now, because so many of you have decided that you own this mythology and that you can lose yourselves in it. You are no longer vanquishing that thing you despise, but pretending to be it, romanticizing it into fantasies of a sexual nature, or turning it into you hopes and dreams, like an emblem for how much more wonderful your life would be. This is an odd and frankly suicidal notion. And I aim to deduce something from it.
- Will you publish the data?
I don’t know in what way I would do this, but yes, I might.
- When the experiment ends, will you vanish off social media?
The experiment is over. I’m still here.
I think you can see the complication regarding my hanging about. If I stop the experiment, all sorts of people will take it as an excuse to begin demanding things of me: my location, my face, my bodily secretions. Once I end the barrier of scientific sterility, I’ll be crawling with people who want to subject my personhood to their curiosity. I don’t relish the notion in the least. This is the most public I have ever been in my entire existence. It is new to me, still uncomfortable, and the idea that the world would suddenly be looking at me with the ferocious scrutiny is a bit horrifying, if I am honest.
- Can we send you things?
Yes. No perishables or body parts please. The box is checked weekly.
Simon Alkenmayer
PO Box 442
Port Angeles WA 98362
- Do you have other social media?
Yes.
Twitter: @SAnthropophage
Tumblr: @simonalkenmayer or you can find the secondary site of the dump of my Tumblr account here
Instagram: @simoniscoolandlikescoffee
- Have you ever had someone try to track you down?
Yes. Several times. Some end well, and some end badly. The best one ended with the person vomiting in a taxi. The worst is a story for another time.
Metaphysics
- Can you explain your “abilities”?
Speed, strength, agility, flexibility, heightened perception including the ability to hear various biological processes like heart beats, digestion, and so forth. Heightened smell. I can feel the land in a way I don’t think humans can. Such that I often predict earthquakes and the like. I can also feel and communicate with other life forms, though this is not verbal. I can do it with humans too, but there is cognition with which to contend. I can muck with your bodies same as any other life form, in that I can impact it in a way that can be harmful or beneficial. The discovery that all of this precludes me from using electronics with the same ease as humanity is a recent one, obviously. You’ve only had electricity for about 150 years.It makes things inconvenient for me, but turns my foibles with the appliances into amusing website entries.
- What is a Drifter?
A Drifter is what I call a kind of stationary energy storm. It can become entangled in a location. It throws off the same sort of sensations as I can. It also absorbs energy and thusly, sounds, impressions, a kind of “place memory”. They can and do affect people. Some people can even become a focus for the storm, causing it to do things like move objects, make sounds, create hallucinations and so forth. I believe that like me and mine, they explain the vast majority of the substantive human perceptions about ghosts, spirits, demons, poltergeist, and so forth. They can wreak absolute havoc on a human nervous system, and really, they’re no holiday to me either.
- What do you think about the multiverse theory?
It’s based on poor understandings of physics, both the things being said by it, and what theoretical physics actually is — that being a pile of conjecture that has never been supported by actual science, including the Large Hadron Collider built for that exact purpose. Stephen Hawking has recently taken back most of his conjecture put forth in his career on everything from Black Holes to String Theory. Which ought to tell you how much merit to give theoretical physics in general.
So you’ve essentially asked me “What do you think about this daydream had by this one man whose day dreams are very convincing?” And I say, they are day dreams.
And this is bound to get me into trouble with someone.
- What are your feelings about religion/afterlife?
I don’t believe in any of it. Think about it. Knowing what I know, being able to sense what I do, I have never once been subjected to a miracle. Even when humans standing beside me said it was a miracle, I knew what was actually happening. I have seen no proof of gods or devils or afterlife. And if every religion is right, then none of them are. It’s all one part the same phenomenon that causes people to mythologize my species, one part a desire to answer eternal questions, and one part arrogance and narcissism to be absolutely right and tell everyone else they are wrong.
- Do you believe in reincarnation?
No. I believe that time is less linear than you may think. I think it more likely that a mind can “tap” or “touch” another mind through time, than that there are dead people being recycled by a divine power. Think about it in terms of numbers. There are more people than ever before. More people than many ages of humanity combined. Does this mean souls were kept on reserve somewhere? If more humans exist, then there should be less animal souls, yes? It is simply a maths game for me, and I cannot figure that equation in any meaningful way.
- Do you believe in magic?
No. That being said, there seems to me to be a kind of foundational truth that it is possible to exploit or manipulate. It is also possible to train what you possess to give you an awareness of this truth. But really, magic is simply science waiting to happen.
- What are your feelings about witches/witchcraft?
I think most of modern witchcraft is centered around the self and a kind of backward notion of history. Much of it is neither ancient nor in any way tied to the legitimacy that archaic periods seems to grant for humanity. I don’t see how it makes much difference to anyone but the person practicing, and so let them do as they please. I do however, despise dogmatic practices of any kind of faith, and so the many communities who bicker back and forth about the nature of truth annoy the everlasting anima from me. If you find yourself bickering about belief and its purity, then you are arguing for your ego, not a principle of any value.
- Do you believe in psychic phenomenon?
Yes, but it is not magic. It’s simply the other senses you possess, manipulating physics in ways science has yet to quantify. I have, myself, witnessed it.
- Do you believe in aliens?
Yes. I don’t know if they’ve ever come here. I have seen UFO before there were planes, but those could perhaps be explained.
- What do you think about Otherkin/kin?
I can supply you with several entries over time, after having discovered the “otherkin” and “fictionkin” phenomenon.
https://creaturescookbook.com/2016/11/25/otherkin-d-of-like-a-platypus/
https://simonalkenmayer.tumblr.com/post/168901099429/are-you-anti-otherkin
https://simonalkenmayer.tumblr.com/post/164912638899/your-stance-on-otherkin-people-who-know-that
- Do you think dragons and other mythological beings could be real?
No. It is one part human misconception, one part the evolution of the idea over time, and one part explanation for things uncovered or naturally occurring, like dinosaur bones, one horned deer or goats, gigantism, and so forth. Recall that the peoples observing these things had absolutely no frame of reference for them whatsoever, and so had to account for them out of the blue.
Things you might benefit from reading:
What’s the kindest thing you’ve ever seen? A note on history and how I perceive its meaning
“You are pretentious and cringey”
A small point to make, or maybe a large one
How a reader perceives me is immaterial
A reply to a bully that perfectly sums up how I feel about the anonymous reproach I receive.
A note on how anonymous online bullying is actually quite helpful to me.
How giving advice to humans affects me
Being a monster, and what that means
Running Jokes
On my Tumblr account in particular, are many running jokes that provides some detail into my life. You can either search the blog for them or simply take this list as a reference guide for spotting them.
- The “Mad Cannibal” hypothesis.
- I am one of three things:
- A monster who eats people and has seen a great deal, who has remained concealed through mimicry, whose biology provides longevity, but whose species obviously is different in most respects including maturation and thought processes.
- A published writer/team of writers running a massive social media/publishing experiment in human thought and how fiction is absorbed, who has managed to skillfully and instantaneously research every topic ‘neath the sun and time period from the turn of the last millennia to now, is independently funded, is extremely educated, a polyglot, well-versed in medicine and other sciences, maintains consistency of character, tells all manner of story at the drop of a pin, and who apparently has all fucking day long to do this because they have nothing better to do except all their massive research, writing, and other sundry tasks devoted to living.
- An insane cannibal murderer who is off-kilter enough to believe he is a monster, yet is amicable, asks nothing of readers except that they obey the rules, and who somehow, despite his complete insanity, manages to be a successful published author and self-promoter.
- Which of these three things is most likely? That is the question you are here to answer. To my mind, the “mad cannibal hypothesis” is simply put, the stupidest thing ever suggested about me in the history of the experiment, with the possible exception of “You are a cat in monster form”.
- I am one of three things:
- My love of bees
- This began when I was experiencing some very organized social media attacks. I decided the best way to diffuse the situation was to simply post nothing but what I was currently discovering and which held my affection. Namely — bees. I called it the “Bumblr Strike” and it lasted for days. All posts on my site were bee related, including my replies to said antagonism. It remains a running theme, and people still send me posts about bees.
- My agreement with cats
- Cats have been, like all other domesticated animals, bred for their sensitivity to environmental disturbances. They react to my species. Dogs are easy to talk to, but cats and I have too much in common. Therefore we have an uneasy truce, and encounters are strictly governed by etiquette
- My loathing of ants
- For many months I endured a kind of arcane infestation. No matter what I did or what methods I had tried, the ants persisted in staggering numbers. I determined it must be that they consider me their leader. I abdicated my throne by killing all of them.
- My respectful distance to cats, horses, and birds, including crows, which is a truly relevant one, as I have a murder living on my roof.
- I do not hate these animals. I simply know that they dislike me and I’d rather not deal with them. To that end, we acknowledge one another and then remain in separate corners.
- My rafters
- Where I sit when doing most of my blogging. They are terribly comforting to me. Some of my gentle readers have taken to using them as a reference point for their positioning in my life.
- The Christmas Cheeseball Incident
- My absolute disregard for my physical condition, often leading to fascinating injuries and the things my humans must do to assist me in healing
- “Swooping” being undignified in my eyes
- I do not like being called a “vampire” or frankly any other name ascribed to a monster
- My bathtub which is quite large and luxurious, and apparently envied by most.
- Dr. Casanova, my orthodontic specialist who gives his patients roses
- “Sassy” said in reference to garlic consumption.
- I often tell people to eat garlic for health purposes, and sometimes say “add more garlic if you are sassy”
- The Spawn
- These are children of a friend whom I regularly govern. They are precocious and their conversations with me are adorable.
- “Being Young Ladied/Manned/Personed”
- I frequently say “Young Lady” or “Young Man” when about to scold someone for being overly harsh on themselves. It is something of a habit, and I try not to, but it happens.
The Creature's Cookbook 