Creature’s Cookbook series now out in print

Creature’s Cookbook series now out in print

As of today you can purchase all the Creature’s Cookbook series, which includes two novels (Let us be honest, the first book is the length of two novels) and a collection of short stories. They are available in every format.

It’s appropriate that these came today:

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As I can now begin mailing out your prizes to you–those who won the Halloween challenges!

I hadn’t forgotten, but was merely waiting…

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My Favorite Homemade Dry Spice Mixes

autumnherah:

blah blah blah I was sad that so many store bought spice mixes featured gross things in them like ungodly amounts of processed sugars and unnecessary preservatives so I went out to find homemade spice mix recipes and these are now all staples in my diet. Why am I sharing them with you? No idea, but I am gonnnnnnna.

Buffalo Spice Mix

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ingredients 

  • 2 tsp chili powder
  • 4 ½ tsp paprika
  • 2 ¼ tsp cayenne pepper
  • 3 ¼ tbsp garlic powder
  • 3 tsp mustard powder
  • ½ tsp salt
  • 1 tsp ground pepper
  • 4 tsp onion powder

directions

  1. combine all the spices in a mixing bowl and lightly whisk together.
  2. store in an airtight container like a mason jar

how to use

  • I generally mix a tablespoon or two per pound of meat (depending on how spicy you want this)
  • it also makes an AMAZING seasoning for homemade fries

Ranch Seasoning

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ingredients

  • 2 tsp salt
  • 4 tbsp parsley
  • 3 tsp dill weed
  • 2 tsp dried chives
  • 4 tsp garlic powder
  • 4 tsp onion powder
  • 4 tsp dried onion flakes
  • 2 tsp black pepper

directions

  1. combine all the spices in a mixing bowl and lightly whisk together.
  2. store in an airtight container like a mason jar

how to use

  • about two tablespoons of this mixture = one packet of store bought ranch mix
  • add it to a mayonnaise of your choosing to make a DIY ranch dressing
  • I like to make air fryer hot wings with buffalo sauce and then toss the wings in this seasoning for a really lovely flavor
  • sprinkle it on everything, ranch tastes so good on everything, literally just add this to everything and make it ranch dressing flavored

Taco Seasoning

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spoiler alert – this is a copy cat Taco Bell taco seasoning mix

ingredients

  • 1 tablespoon chili powder
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • ½ teaspoon dried minced onion
  • ½ teaspoon paprika
  • ¼ teaspoon onion powder
  • dash garlic powder

directions

  1. combine all the spices in a mixing bowl and lightly whisk together.
  2. store in an airtight container like a mason jar

how to use

  • add one tablespoon of spice mix for every one pound of taco meat you use. Use your hands to thoroughly mix the tablespoon of spice mix into the ground beef. Add the seasoned beef mixture and ½ cup of water in a skillet over medium heat. 
  • also very good on homemade french fries

Baharat Middle Eastern Blend

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ingredients

  • 2 tsp smoky paprika
  • 2 tsp cumin
  • 1 tsp black pepper
  • 1 tsp coriander
  • ½ tsp nutmeg
  • ½ tsp cinnamon
  • ¼ tsp cardamom
  • ¼ tsp cloves

directions

  1. combine all the spices in a mixing bowl and lightly whisk together.
  2. store in an airtight container like a mason jar

how to use

  • that is a good question. I am very recently branching out my spice pallet and trying on some new things. So far I have used this as a dry rub for chicken which has been phenomenal.
  • one tablespoon per one pound of ground beef for grilled smoky, spicy burgers

Everything Bagel Seasoning

listen, not all of us live near Trader Joe’s

ingredients

  • ¼ cup sesame seeds
  • ¼ cup poppy seeds
  • 3 tablespoons dried onion flakes
  • 3 tablespoons dried garlic flakes
  • 2 tablespoons coarse sea salt

directions

  1. combine all the spices in a mixing bowl and lightly whisk together.
  2. store in an airtight container like a mason jar

how to use

  • on top of homemade breads
  • added to breads with cream cheese
  • on top of your eggs
  • mixed into burgers
  • on top of avocado toast
  • basically anywhere you would normally use salt give that food an upgrade and use everything bagel mix instead

Creature’s Cookbook 2 and Simon’s Snacks

simonalkenmayer:

Creature’s Cookbook 2 and Simon’s Snacks

My second book and the collection of short stories are now available for pre-order, with a release date of July 2.

You can pre-order a copy in any format you wish. I believe that the Snacks are being released individually in ebook formats, and then released together in print format in a single volume. The relevant links are as follows:

Screen Shot 2018-06-24 at 2.11.18 PMThe Creature’s Cookbook 2 Monster’s Mise En Place:

Amazon
B&N
K…

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How do you feel about immortal or nigh-immortal creatures in relationships with humans? You’ve got personal experience, with chef at least, so I wanted your view. Twlight and things like it are gross because centuries old vampire and a highschooler- but there’s still a huge age gap even if they’re 50 or even 90 (what we do in the shadows had a joke about this). Adults can do as they like, but it still feels weird. People, even monsters, crave intimacy, though- romantic and/or platonic, right?

Firstly… I acknowledge no other monster than my own species. No such thing. Deal with that.

Because I acknowledge no other species, I can only tell you what I think about my own experiences, both of having a relationship with a human and watching humans slowly sexualize my race for their own purposes.

I dislike the human quality that attempts to absorb or make less frightful, a thing, by fucking it. Really. It’s absurd. Reproduction is perhaps the strongest motivator, I understand, but somehow that conflicts with your higher brain functions in an altogether astoundingly hideous way to the objective onlooker.

I am all for your species coming to understand us better. I am entirely happy with you perhaps growing to appreciate, be fond, have affection for us, but if you please…on our terms. Don’t make sparkling, passionate previously human models of us. We never were human. We aren’t like you. We don’t think the same way. Our concepts of ethics and morality differ vastly and our capacity to act on those far exceed yours. What little similarity you see between yourself and me, as I sit on these websites and offer up my thoughts, is merely a figment of translation. I can only make myself understood by discussing myself in your terms, because I am speaking your languages and comparing to your experiences, which, as I have said, are nothing like mine. Which means that any impression you gain of me is unfairly tilted in the direction of painting me humanlike.

I have a difficult time making you understand certain things, and invariably, you transform them into human things. When I tell you I am in a mood, in a state, in a funk, feeling dispassionate or so forth…you all inevitably come to me and ask what you can do about it. You try to “make it better”. You equate it with depression, or malaise, or ennui, when in fact it is none of those. There is nothing “wrong” with me. That’s just what I am. I work very diligently to keep myself in a “human form” or keep my thoughts in the human sphere. I try daily to restrain myself into a semblance befitting interaction with you. Every now and again, I can no longer manage it. I have to return to my natural state, which is very different from yours. I don’t know how else to qualify this except to say that I appreciate your desire to help me, but help isn’t necessary. 

Do not hug the snarling animal. Do not feed the wild things. It isn’t wise. And I know everything in your culture attempts to absorb animals and things of this earth by humanizing them–then either turning them into games, costumes, romantic partners, plot devices, etcetera–but please don’t.

And as for my relationship with Chef…it is complex and nothing like a human romance. We tried that. It lasted less than a year because I cannot maintain that facade for any length of time. He is the person I protect most sincerely, after whom I worry, the one whose well-being is critical to my thoughts, but he has his own space. I have mine. He lives his life and I participate, but he no longer attempts to insert himself into my affairs unless he is trying to explain something to me. He has learned that he isn’t allowed to make me into something like him.

What we have is emotional, yes. For him it is somewhat romantic, but that is modified. He uses me as a control mechanism over the parts of his mind that he feels are uncontrollable. He is in therapy for this and as he grows, he requires less of that from me. He finds other humans he enjoys and he spends time with them. I am pleased with this, because it means that he is growing. Out of me? Perhaps so. Do I mind this? No. 

You say immortals want companionship, but do you even understand what that means or what you are saying?

You are seeing from human eyes yet again. Not perceiving us as we are. We are, even those of us who do not speak, solitary by nature. We like to sit in high places and look out. We are always listening. That is our chief enjoyment and sense of ourselves. Yes, we like the odd interaction, it’s true, but for us that is a “ping” and not a necessity. It’s data collection. It’s a momentary interaction with the system we are observing. 

Those of us who can speak, we have developed the capacity to understand you as more than that. We see that you are complex and unique and we want to understand it, because my species is curious by nature. We want knowledge of you, not to be your chums. It isn’t emotionally possible for us to be chums with so many. 

You say to me, “But Simon…you’re so friendly! you talk so well in conversation! You spend so much time being available and dispensing advice! You’re so open.”

And I say in reply that that is an illusion aided by the distance of modern communication, the ease of technology, the go-between which is the internet. I can be open with you here, because it is words on a page that I post when I care to. Thoughts and nothing more. I interact with you, yes. Some of you come to me privately and develop friendships with me, yes. But I have and always will warn you not to become to dependent on your version of the monster. You need to see that in many ways, you are grafting me into your consciousness, not allowing me to exist as I am.

I do enjoy you. I am your friend. I am kind so long as I maintain discipline. I can translate myself into a version that will make sense to you, tough all of you will find your own version of that sense. 

This is a human world now. Whatever we were in the past, we aren’t anymore. Our existence is being threatened, and most strongly by your denial of us by that slow transformative effort to turn everything different into a version of yourself.

I wonder, do you have any theories of how the belief that crosses and holy water repeal things?

To be honest, it has more to do with ancient mythology about pagan wardings, amulets, and such, than it does with Christianity. The faith actually warns against such things and calls superstition the action of the Devil, but for some reason, in it’s early days, Catholicism could not combat that pervasive idea, and so it absorbed it. It retained it even as it claimed such things weren’t godly. And no wonder why…the first meaningful conversion to the faith, and the reason that the Church ever became a dominant force, was the conversion of Emperor Constantine. He did it for many political reasons as well as his own personal beliefs, but…the myth grew surrounding his defeat of an army while carrying a relic before his forces–supposedly a piece of the true crucifixional cross of Jesus. In truth, it was likely just a piece of moldering wood, but he did it. They won, and of course, their victory was attributed to the protective powers of the piece of wood. No mention made of those who still died, despite the “protections”. Holy water has it’s origins in the ritual of baptism, which is meant to cleanse all previous sin and worldliness from the soul and make one new in the eyes of god. It’s also seen as something of a bargain between the individual and God. The cleansing property of course became synonymous with repelling evil. And there you have it.

Pagan, superstitious people’s embracing new ideas in traditional ways.

Creature’s Cookbook 2 and Simon’s Snacks

Creature’s Cookbook 2 and Simon’s Snacks

My second book and the collection of short stories are now available for pre-order, with a release date of July 2.

You can pre-order a copy in any format you wish. I believe that the Snacks are being released individually in ebook formats, and then released together in print format in a single volume. The relevant links are as follows:

Screen Shot 2018-06-24 at 2.11.18 PMThe Creature’s Cookbook 2 Monster’s Mise En Place:

Amazon
B&N
K…

View On WordPress

A New Bee Friend

This solstice has brought me a very very large friend.

He is wonderful. Thank you to the sender. I’m very pleased. My large scale “Papoose Simon” can ride him like a horse…

Until the Spawn see him. And then he will be the favorite friend of the group.