An Introduction

I am a monster. No, not the metaphorical kind. I eat people. Your skepticism is duly noted and discarded.

I keep an online record of my life. The reasons are manifold. 1) I am almost certain I am the only chronicler that exists for my race. 2) I am bored. 3) It is an experiment to elucidate a point: your reliance upon fiction has decimated your higher brain functions. I know this because you do not believe.

Do youI?

I post about my life, my “crimes” – or as I call them , “dinner” – recipes that I have collected, and I give helpful hints as to how you can use them if you are not a humanitarian like me. Many of them make use of “offal” or the innards of an animal, in this case, your innards. They are grouped under the category “offal recipes”. This is not a pun. They are really quite good recipes, actually.

I am careful not to give specifics, but if you should figure out where I am, please do not leave organs on my doorstep (you know who you are) as this could lead to unfortunate problems. Though the gesture was appreciated, and delicious.

I do not live in a cave. My favorite film is a tie between “American Psycho” and “The Sound of Music”. I do not have a favorite song. I do not have a favorite book, though I prefer to read cookbooks or True Crime. I like to garden, clean, eat, and hunt, though my hobbies are many and varied. I collect antiques, eat, and work in a restaurant

I am not a cannibal. You have to be human eating human to be a cannibal. Please do not expect wit. I am seldom “witty”. That is a human characteristic I am still mastering. Please be polite. I am a stickler for manners.

Though my life has recently been published in novel form, this is not a literary exercise. I am a terrible writer. I often focus too much on what actually happens, so there is very little “art”. I do apologize. I hope it is not too dry, and if you have a literary criticism that can help me make my life more entertaining, I will take it under advisement, though I make no promises. As I have said, I am no good at art. Give me something to build or take apart, and you will not be disappointed. Tell me to cater your birthday, and you will have a feast. Just don’t expect me to be poetic. I can rhyme. That’s about it.



To contact me, please see the following, or comment on this site, but please do be polite. I abhor bullies.


Twitter: @SAnthropophage

Tumblr: @simonalkenmayer

Facebook: Simon Alkenmayer or Creatures cookbook fan page

Instagram: @simoniscoolandlikescoffee

“Snail mail” may be sent to:

Simon Alkenmayer

PO Box 442

Port Angeles WA 98362

Patreon which will contain audio versions of my writings read by me (through voice modulation)