Ever find yourself wanting to call Chef “child” or some other affectionate “you’re so young” pet name when you catch him doing something /not quite right/ (aka you could do it better and faster). Because I think if I was your age, I wouldn’t be able to resist poking fun at the age difference when the opportunity came up.

I do it constantly.

I call him my boy, for I suppose, he is.

99 problems and a corpse is the compensation.

Humans wear me out. They really do. I think I must have to eat you to even approach keeping up with you. That must be what it is. Ironic, divinely inspired punishment for all your hubris–Something has to eat you to even consider enduring you.

A few corpses a year. Just so that i can sit on the internet and be called transphobic, when I specifically say I have no pronouns or gender. A jury of peers every year, just so that I can stand in line at the dry cleaner without wanting to rip the head off the bungstump in front of me who tells the woman how to measure starch. A dozen or so, just so that i can drive through rush hour traffic and watch you slam on your brakes and create a standing wave of traffic jam, because you saw a cloud. 

What’s amusing is that those of you who know me and who sit here daily and talk with me are apologetic. Humanity knows its failings. So it tips me a few extra corpses a year, just to apologize for me having to sweep up beneath it when it leaves.

One of my favorite things you’ve said is in your bio, “I am uniquely qualified to run this excitement, you see, because I exist.” I’ve taken to using that when someone discredits something I say— “I am entitled to have an opinion because I exist, same as you.” A different meaning, coming from a human girl rather than a people-eating monster, but I like it all the same. So thank you, Simon, for providing a nice line to use in uncomfortable situations.

Opinion- A belief held by an individual based on experience

Qualification – a degree of expertise obtained through advanced study, experience, or prolonged exposure to a given topic.

My opinions may inform inquiries of my qualifications. My qualifications may inform my opinions, but regardless of how I feel about something, my qualifications are incontrovertible. At least in terms of how I state them in this self-contained reality. 

You are uniquely qualified to discuss your life and the facets of your life, events that transpired to or figuring you. No one can ever deny you that. All opinions aside, including your own opinions about yourself or theirs about you. Those don’t matter, when your life is being discussed. 

You are uniquely qualified to inform humanity about your own personage and past.