Daily Archives: June 6, 2018

Homerkin

Posted by Simon on

1. N. An antique measurement of beer.

Example: Every man in this place could put away a homerkin if he didn’t have to pay for it himself.

I know. I know what you’re thinking, you modern child of the age. You think this word is supposed to signify someone who believes themselves to be a long-dead historian of the Greek persuasion, who discusses philosophy, medicine, and all the amazing things of antiquity, yes? 

No come now, that was a joke. You thought it referred to someone who believed themselves to be Homer Simpson. Admit it.

Seems somewhat fitting that it actually refers to drinking.

Simon, what even is your life?

Posted by Simon on

Him: Babe, Lemme borrow your phone.
Me: Why?
Him: I need to look something up, but I also gotta call someone.
Me: That’s why they allow you to use speaker and search through other applications, you dolt.
Him: Come on! Gimme!
Me: *Laborious sigh* Fine, here. Don’t close any of my applications.
Fifteen minutes later…
Him: *emerges, laughing hysterically* Bear…What the fuck?
Me: *Eating* What? Is Siri rebelling?
Him: Dude, have you been through your photos?
Me: *the look he calls the “insta-scowl”* Why were you looking through my photos?
Him: *Still laughing and thumbing through my phone* No…no…seriously…Food, my hand in front of food, food, grocery store, bee, bee, my hand with food, food, my hands plating food, antique, antique, antique, bees…more bees. bees…seascape…rainbow over seascape…child child child child food food my hands cutting food…*tilts and squints* f—-ood? Dog dog dog dog with ball dog dog in front of tv… child child child child eating grasshoppers… food food. Bees…another fucking bee…more pretty sunset shit…Oh Christ…What the fuck is that? Oh…food.
Me: Are you quite finished?
Him: *still thumbing* Bear…your entire 10,000 photos are all broken down into several categories: Food, me holding food, kids that aren’t yours, sunsets, projects, receipts, and bees.
Me: *sighs*
Him: If you ever lost your phone, and I found it, I’d be like, what even is this life?
Me: Food, your hands, receipts, projects, rainbows, dogs, kids that aren’t mine, and bees. Shut up.
Him: *bemusedly smiling* Your life is good.
Me: Back out and enter the autopsy photos gallery. It’s called “Food Porn”.

Amber Run – I Found

Posted by Simon on

Here

I don’t recommend watching the video. The entire album is a miniature movie, but the video features a woman being kidnapped, which doesn’t have anything to do with the song.

Instead, if I may, I suggest you wear headphones and turn the volume up. It’s a very quiet song. I’ve also added it to the playlist, if you’re still listening to that.

To be honest, this kinda scares me that A: you’re actively telling people what you are and B: NO ONE HAS QUESTIONED THIS NOR HAS ANYONE DONE ANYTHING!!!! I mean, it doesn’t scare me that much but like what!??!! What do people think? Do they just think that you’re joking? Sorry for the massive wall of text but I’m legit curious…

Posted by Simon on

purronronner:

simonalkenmayer:

thatonestorywriter:

i-is-pengui:

simonalkenmayer:

I think they either are fine with it or actually do think it’s a joke. You’ve been desensitized by your own fictions. This is why I think we’ve reached a critical phase of your evolution.

Ngl part of me feels like this is a very well played tale of fiction but a larger part of me wholely believes everything and is just fully ready to accept a man eating cryptid having a Tumblr because why the fuck not ya know?

I mean, if John Green, the guy who legit wrote a story to make everyone mad at him but cry at the same time, who’s to say that we can’t deal with a cryptid who has one? (At least Simon isn’t as bad as the posts on r/tumblr)

I have no idea what any of that means.

People continue to ignore what I’ve said, which is that the only way I could even think of being here, doing what I am doing (honest or not) is because you all made it possible. You have enough false cryptid blogs and ARG’s online that I blend it. So what else is blending in, eh? Ask yourself that.

I mean, if a book was published in, say, the nineteenth century that claimed to have been written by a monster, I feel like people would probably run with it just as easily as they do now. Really, I’d expect that to hold in any era in which people are able to tell stories through mediums that create a remove between storyteller and audience. Truth that sounds like fiction would be taken as fiction if no proof is provided.

Anyway, how else would we react on here? Report you to tumblr staff like “guys there’s a man-eating monster, I swear, you gotta get rid of his account”? What purpose would that even serve?

It’s happened. Please do go to my FAQ and scroll to the bottom where I address the “mad cannibal hypothesis”