Do you find that living as long as you have makes you appreciate the smaller things in life more, or less?


Keep in mind, this is a distinction subject to translation. I am me. I’ve known nothing other than this.

I recall the first time I realized I couldn’t die, or rather, that I lived longer than humans. It was a very long time ago, and honestly, it was the thing that triggered the intense anger I felt for almost a century and a half. I knew I was different, but that difference forced me into a kind of shame filled secrecy. I spent a lifetime thinking I was denounced by God, possibly a demon. At worst, a human who was cursed or something. Then I didn’t age. Then I didn’t die. I didn’t have the luxury of last rites. No absolution. It filled me with a kind of fury I cannot describe and I truly did think to myself that if I would be cursed in such a way, when I could not even remember what I’d done, and truly had just awakened to such a fate, well then, what did it matter how many I killed?

That was when I took up soldiery.

After a long while, after thought evolved a bit, I realized I’d done nothing wrong, nothing to earn what I was. I just…was! But I had acted out of irrational anger and hate that Is oils never have felt without human involvement. I tired of the misery. Tired of all the constant repetition of your lives, when my life need never have had repetition at all.

I began to feel a kind of mental fog, and honestly remember very little though I know I was fed. I simply didn’t care anymore.

But all of that is in relation to you. Had I been born on a vacant planet, I would never have thought any of those things. Left to myself, my progress would have been vastly different. Had man not created God and shoved His plan down my throat, I would never have hated myself or taken such liberties with creation.

So when you ask me what I appreciate, it’s difficult to answer, because I have to reconcile the fact that you changed my evolution. I have to imagine what it is you think about me. I have to try to quantify how much of my life is contingent upon human involvement.

It comes to this. What I experience is in many ways a reflection of you. The more tedious and quibbling your society becomes, the less I enjoy it. The more progressive, intellectual, free, the more I enjoy it. Why? Because in the former, I cannot be myself but must constantly play a game of hide and seek. In the latter, I too am free, able to live without considering my impact on you.

So when you ask me how I enjoy little things, I say, I might never have seen them as little, if not for the fact that they were bounded by your lifespan. Your mortality has been a defining element of my existence since I first awakened, every trend and tiny moment determined by a species that dies before it ever progresses, whose achievements are often not celebrated until they themselves are gone and only I am left to mark them. You call small moment small because you are constantly measuring your lives and how much is left.

What I’m trying to say is that I don’t see time as you do, but I know that to you this likely makes no sense. I don’t see things as small or great.

Ah me, I don’t think I’ve explained myself well at all, but I hope it at least approaches something comprehensible.

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