Merry Christmas you filthy animals

Christmas is a holiday rife with ironies. While its hopeful prayer that mankind can be better than it has been may be the candle on a cold winter night to many, I am less impressed and maintain my aloof skepticism. I’m of a mind to find a way to commandeer this sacred consumerism for my own purposes.

To that end, I have petitioned Tapas, the patient benefactor of my experiment in human behavior, to allow me to give you a Christmas gift: more recipes for human flesh! That is to say, they have allowed me to grant 500 coins to all those gentle readers who have bookmarked my three humble volumes.

These coins will be given to you on December 14. Don’t mistake this for generosity on my part; It is a nefarious plot to enlist you in piracy of Santa’s sleigh. You see, you may assist me in spreading word of my experiment to your family and friends, all while appearing generous! Anyone who has bookmarked any of my books by that date, will automatically receive the 500 coins, so do please drag your friends to this holiday table, and let me lay the feast.


Seasons Greetings, and please don’t arrive to dinner wearing complementary colors. It is an appalling fashion crime, not a rite.

Merchandise

Recently Tapas approached me with the concern that some of my readers might wish to purchase items of clothing that link them to the experiment. I assume for reasons of enterprise. However, I see greater utility in it. It is an excellent way for people to distinguish themselves as inedible. I mean it is hardly good science to eat one’s subjects. To that end, Tapas has crafted some T-shirts, which can be found here.


I don’t know if you realize this about me, but I am not one to take myself too seriously. If one such as I were to constantly demand that others take me seriously, I would be depressed all day long. I would be little better than the morose teenagers in so many movies about hapless immortal leeches. And so, you see, innevery day life, I only drink wine from a set of cheap Halloween themed wine glasses. Most of my serving platters are monsters. It really is amusing to me.

And so, I am utilizing modern technology and the talents of my more artistic readers to craft certain matching kitchen items: dishware, tea towels, serving trays, and glasses…as well as a replica of my favorite cooking apron.

If you wish to embrace the silliness and participate, please do so by joining me here at my Zazzle store. I will make two of each item, one with the book title, and one without, so that you may avoid…How do they say it? “Selling out”.

Simon’s Hot Toddy, a recipe

This is a medicinal drink. You can have it just as a cocktail, but since so many of my readers are ill, I thought it might be nice to publish the recipe I use, so that I can refer them to it. This is a hot, alcoholic beverage. It has Vitamin C, antioxidents, natural expectorants, antiseptics, anti-allergens, relaxants, and so is good for cough, sore throats, and help with sleeping. It is an excellent alternative to NyQuil.

Tools:

  • Pot
  • Tea pot
  • Microplane or cheese grater with a fine mesh

Ingredients:

  • 1-2 shots of Whiskey or Brandy
  • 1 lemon
  • Rooibos Tea (You can purchase bagged tea, but personally I purchase the highest quality I can, as it tends to be stronger
  • Honey (Preferably locally sourced, as it will be made with pollens from your area. This helps your immune system cultivate a resistance to local allergens.)

Instructions:

  1. Brew a pot of Rooibos tea, triply strong. Pour this into the saucepan and reduce. And brew a second pot at regular strength.
  2. When half the liquid has evaporated out of the saucepan, thicken with honey into a syrup and heat through.
  3. Zest and juice the lemon
  4. Take out your teacup. Put in your shot or two of alcohol. Add as much lemon as you can take. Sweeten with as much syrup as you can handle, Top up with fresh tea. Put the zest atop the cup. Inhale as much of the steam as you can while drinking.

And, if you (are sassy) wish to stave off a secondary infection, pop a clove of raw garlic into your mouth and swallow whole (DO NOT CHEW – This means you, Molly Anne). I also recommend pairing this with zinc. Garlic is a natural antibiotic and zinc binds to the receptor sites of the virus and effectively prevents it from attaching to the cells. In essence, it cannot reproduce.

Stay well, my gentle readers. And while I realize it is a bit odd, for a people eating monster to give advice about health…well, it’s not really so odd, is it?