Christmas is a holiday rife with ironies. While its hopeful prayer that mankind can be better than it has been may be the candle on a cold winter night to many, I am less impressed and maintain my aloof skepticism. I’m of a mind to find a way to commandeer this sacred consumerism for my own purposes.

To that end, I have petitioned Tapas, the patient benefactor of my experiment in human behavior, to allow me to give you a Christmas gift: more recipes for human flesh! That is to say, they have allowed me to grant 500 coins to all those gentle readers who have bookmarked my three humble volumes.

These coins will be given to you on December 14. Don’t mistake this for generosity on my part; It is a nefarious plot to enlist you in piracy of Santa’s sleigh. You see, you may assist me in spreading word of my experiment to your family and friends, all while appearing generous! Anyone who has bookmarked any of my books by that date, will automatically receive the 500 coins, so do please drag your friends to this holiday table, and let me lay the feast.

Seasons Greetings, and please don’t arrive to dinner wearing complementary colors. It is an appalling fashion crime, not a rite.