“Hello, I seem to have dropped my phone in something-”

“Water.”

“No.”

“Oh! Ok! What? Fire? Sand?”

“Um…no.”

“What then? Chemicals are a different type of damage, sir.”

“Blood.”

“…”

“I dropped it in blood.”

“How much blood?”

“…A lot.”

“…”

“Approximately 11 pints…of blood.”

“Ok, I’m going to refer you to our AppleCare website for water damage-”

“Blood is approximately 6 percent greater density than water.”

“Uhh….have you gotten all the…blood off the phone?”

“Yes, with a thorough alcohol swabbing.”

“And you turned it off right away and removed the SIM?”

“Yes. And I swung it around in a sock.”

“Ooooookay.”

“Centrifugal force. To centrifuge the blood out of the device.”

“Uh right, ok, great! Have you seen the information on placing it in rice?”

“The blood?”

“No sir, the phone.”

“Ah, no.”

“Well, it won’t work as well as plain air. Set the phone on top of a fan, or about two feet from a hairdryer. Have you backed up the device recently?”

“Yes.”

“Great! Then you’re okay. You shouldn’t lose any data.”

“There are worse things to lose.”

“Like blood! Haha!”

“Indeed.”

“Do you mind if I ask how you dropped it into blood?”

“Are these calls recorded?”

“Yes.”

“Then yes I do.”

In case you wonder, my phone is fine. It was stuck in “headphone mode”, but the hair drier did the trick.